Many countries thought that children have to do homework in their free time while others say that children should do more outdoor activity. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Undoubtedly, in many nations it is believed that students ought to spend their leisure time in doing tasks which are related to their schools (write: studies) whilst some opine that sports activities are more beneficial. I agree with the latter view because it help (write: it helps; it is a singular subject so write helps) in the holistic development of a child and inculcates numerous skills such as team spirit.
You may write:
Parents and teachers in some countries believe that students ought to spend their leisure time doing tasks related to their studies; however many people disagree with this view and opine that it is more important to engage in sports.
I agree with the latter view because it help (write: it helps; it is a singular subject so write helps) in the holistic development of a child and inculcates numerous skills such as team spirit.
To embark with (write: on), there are a plethora of reasons for allowing young (write: the young ones) to play outdoor games. Firstly, with the advancement in technology majority of the individuals (write: the majority of children) are attracted towards gadgets such as mobile phones or video games which as a consequence makes their life sedentary (This should be another sentence).
Unfortunately, this leads to a sedentary lifestyle.
The mobile and computer are not very relevant points here.
Leisure time should be spent doing academic tasks. That is the point. Write about studying, not playing computer games.
This could bring (write: can cause) various diseases namely heart attacks, eye problems, high blood pressure etc. at early stages of their life. Secondly, outdoor activities help in developing team building which these days is a key to success. For instance, it is researched (write: proved) by renowned scientists that people having these skills have more chance to succeed better in their professional life.
Your arguments need some improvement. Here are the points to include.
Children already spend 7 to 8 hours in school. Once they reach home, they need some relaxation and playing sports is the best way.
Children are under tremendous academic pressure these days. Playing a game enables them to beat stress.
Also, engaging in physical activity improves their health. Studies have also shown that playing a sport improves the cognitive skills of students and thus it even improves their academic performance.
Do not write about mobile games.
Moreover, relaxation is the key to every success. If our mind is relaxed all the tasks can be performed easily with better outputs. Similarly , it is applicable to students as well.
This is applicable for students as well.
For example in many educational institutions, it has been seen that a child with no pressure , stress as (write: and stress has) better results in comparison to (Write: than the one) one who spend (write: spends; the subject is the singular child) all his time in studies only. Last but not the least, these games also help in identification of their interest (write: discovering their interest) which otherwise makes them dependent on parents. As a result, have to (write: otherwise, they may have to) regret at later stages. To illustrate, MS Dhoni while playing in school free time had understood his capability and decided his future in cricket which otherwise, not possible. (write: would not have been possible)
In conclusion, despite having various beliefs of how to spend free time. (This is not a complete sentence; add it to the following sentence) In my view, for a successful and stressed free carrier (write: stress free career) physical activities are mandatory for both professional (write: the professional) and personal growth of an individual. It is the responsibility of both parents and teachers to allocate proper time-table for these sports as well.
Content needs some improvement. Grammar is another issue.
In this essay first explain why students should not do more academic work during their leisure time.
In the next paragraph explain the benefits of playing sports.
Take care of the grammar mistakes too.
Contributed By: Mr. Mukesh Thakur